Friends, if you’re expecting a pretty Pinterest-perfect burlap wreath of a post, you’ve maybe dropped by on the wrong day.  This one’s the real deal, a bit messy. I’ve cried, gotten frustrated, I even threw a hissy fit like a 2-year-old.  Why? Because these last two weeks I’ve felt like my life, my work, my relationships, right now, where they are, are a total bust.  I’m not even joking.  Complete. Total. Utter. Bust.

From the outside, my life looks fairly put-together. We own a home, have two kids, my husband’s a successful teacher, I work and teach from home. But when you’re hard on yourself and you place nothing but the highest expectations on your life and THEN expect God to fulfill all of those high expectations, only to find things not happening as you imagined, well, “a total bust” seems to be the fittest descriptor.  No matter what you know in your head to be true (about motherhood, life, relationships, God even), no matter how your husband  encourages, no matter how friends lay out the facts for you, it’s a struggle to not feel let down when your life blueprints still seem tightly rolled up.  You know in your head that your life is not a bust.  You even remind yourself what God says:

But somehow you still don’t believe it and those lurking thoughts remain…

• I was sure I’d be further along than this.
• These people really let me down.  What will I do now?
• I just can’t see how this will turn out well.
• Why does it feel like life is standing still even though the days are fast?
• Why do I feel like my business is on pause? I’m working so hard!
• Am I messing up my kids?
• Where does God want me?
• Is His plan really good?
• Am I making a fool of myself?
• I don’t know who I am anymore.
• I don’t know what I should be doing anymore.

and the one thing I said to myself and told God several times last week:

• I feel like I don’t know ANYTHING anymore!!!!!

And yes, I did say that to God, out loud, with five exclamation points.  Because life likes to reassure us that if we just do A,B,C, & D,  that, naturally, ~E~ will happen.  And I’ve believed it.   “Just follow the steps!  Just work hard, believe and you’ll achieve it!  Because when you’ve checked off the list, you’ve ‘made it’!  And when you’ve ‘made it’, you’ve gotten where everyone else wants to be.  Where YOU’VE always wanted to be!”

Except…when you do A,B,C, & D, and….”it” (whatever “it” is) doesn’t happen.  *crickets chirping*. Except when the chirping crickets slowly crescendo into a crazy-loud, backed-up freeway in your head the longer you wait.  Except when you allow doubt to plant itself in the soil of your mind and take root.  Except when you start to water those plants of doubt and let them grow freely, questioning everything you know about God’s goodness.  Except when you can’t sense God anymore through this now-thick forest of disbelief that you allowed to propagate your heart.

But what about my dreams and hard work?  you ask. What about accomplishments and the success I was promised by this world?  What about the future and others’ expectations of me?  Can’t God AND my successful life agenda be enough?

That’s where I found myself as I tidied up the house last week.  Discouraged, confused, distant.  I even imagined God laughing at me.  Yeah, that’s how bad it was.  It was a low point for me.

However, I wasn’t stuck there.  I began to realize that I was weary of not hearing from Him.  Which led to the  acknowledgement, “Oh, I guess it was me who planted that huge forest between myself and God.”…which led to me realizing that the trees of doubt have been fertilized far too long.  Which led to me seeing that doubt says to God, “You can’t be trusted”.  Which led to repentance.

And God’s so awesome…I know He was waiting for that and He began to show me that He doesn’t want me (or you) to just “make it” to the pinnacle of temporal  dreams.   The enemy starts to lose ground when we perceive that God has infinitely more in mind for us than our limited perspective of personal goals. God wants to change your perception of success and victory.  He wants to work through us and speaks quietly to our hearts, “Precious daughter, I want you here, not knowing every detail, not having all the answers, and not needing anything else but me and my grace.”

And it’s a humbling thing when the scales fall from your eyes and you realize…this was one of those moments in my life when a total bust was a TOTAL MUST!

Friends, we all have different struggles. Maybe you’re struggling with doubt over your children’s future, your finances, your marriage, a difficult relationship, a tough decision, or just your purpose in general.  Maybe you’re convinced that your life is a bust and you feel like you don’t know anything for sure anymore. God’s Word says this:

I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.”  Psalm 57:2

Not my purpose for myself, but HIS purpose for ME!  Not my agenda, but his plan.

Friends, let’s stop insisting that our own agenda and expectations be fulfilled by God.  Let’s stop putting our prideful agenda at the center and instead, cry out to Him to fulfill His purpose.   Let’s stop trying in vain to get Him on our time table, but sit peacefully at His instead!  He’s shaping, molding, and training us during this time to fully use us for His amazing purposes.  The expectations we have for ourselves may be high, but His purposes are infinitely higher.  Do you believe that? Maybe that’s the reminder you need today. I’m happy He was gracious enough to show me my own forest of disbelief and is patiently uprooting my trees of doubt.  I’m not sure how His plans will unfold, but I’m grateful that He is helping me see that, when it came to my own agenda, a total bust was a total must.

How are you putting aside your agenda to embrace God’s plan?  Share your thoughts below!