I had just spoken the scariest words a mom could say. For once, the words weren’t part of my agenda. And I was terrified.  “Do everything you want with me, God,”  I said.  “I’m letting go.”

At that tearful moment, I sat at the kitchen counter with my face in my hands.  I wasn’t trying to strike a deal with God about my plans.  It wasn’t, “Hey, God, I know you have a great plan.  But do you have your clipboard and pen?  Because here’s what I need first:

• security
• health
• good jobs
• pats on the back
• kids that love each other (like, now, not in a few months/years)
• signs I’m doing what you call me to do
• a padded bank account
• friends who always think to invite me out for coffee
• maybe a cleaning lady…then I’ll let go.”

Okay, its only crossed my mind how nice a cleaning lady would be.  And maybe these were fleeting thoughts and prayers, but you get the picture.

Instead, as my coffee grew cold and my heart warmed to the Holy Spirit, I was telling my Creator I was scared, but that He could do everything He wanted.  He had free reign over my future, family, finances, all of it. And the outcome didn’t need to be my beautiful Pinterest-like agenda.  I was finally letting go. But how’d I get to that point?

85-90% letting go is pretty decent, right?

I’ve been a hot mess with God like this before.  But I’ve always been scared of completely letting go.  It’s been more like a 85-90% letting go, which I considered pretty decent.  Having stipulations of God always made me feel more safe, as stipulations do.  Consider the stipulations we see in life:

• I’ll do this if you do that.
• I’ll buy this if it’s got a guarantee.
• I’ll let you go if you finish your chores.
• I’ll buy that car if it has good airbags.

Stipulations guard us from hurt/disappointment while seeming to give us security/peace. Stipulations get things done.

So you can imagine my fear when God, for YEARS, whispered to me “Let go, Leah.”  My response? “But I don’t know what You’ll do if I begin letting go.”  I was guarded, wanting security without having to step out in faith.

I wanted that airbag.  So I declined.  I’ll let go some other day.

The struggle is real

I think part of why Christian moms like me struggle with letting go is because we are used to being in charge of stuff.  We schedule, exercise, drive kids to practice, discipline, connect with our husbands, maintain friendships, and make appointments. We work, clean, serve, repeat.  God has given us a beautiful calling!  We get really good at being in control!

But as much as we like to use our planners, color-coded calendars, and apps to get God on OUR agenda, He simply doesn’t work that way.  I can’t help but think God straight-up laughs at the planners we use!

Getting on His bus

We imagine getting on God’s agenda like getting on a bus and not knowing the destination.  Will we end up somewhere amazing? Dangerous? Rewarding? Painful?  I don’t know for sure, so I’m not getting on, we think. I’ll drive myself, thank you.

However, I’ve found that as I drive my own bus, He graciously, patiently (sometimes painfully) shows me that it’s better to get on His.  After all, when we get on God’s bus, we already know the destination (heaven, blessing, favor). We just don’t know the route the bus driver will take and who we’ll pick up along the way.  Is it scary? It can be.  But do we know the driver is trustworthy and will get us there?  Without a doubt.  So then what’s the hangup?

The hangup

It’s fear.  We mistakenly think control is safer in our hands, but control in God’s hands is safest!  We fear following God whole-heartedly keeps us tied down, when in reality, it frees us from fears to follow Him!  We fear God will give us a boring, unfulfilled, inferior life compared to our plan (remember Eve in the Garden of Eden?).  In reality, God says He wants to do “far more abundantly than all that we ask or imagine” to HIS glory.  (Ephesians 3:20)

Oh, maybe that’s the rub!  When we focus on our own glory, plan, and comfort and not His glory, we don’t experience what God has in store.  We think because we can’t imagine it ourselves, that it’s (1) not as good as our plan and (2) not to be trusted.

But what’s true is this: we can live in the freedom, safety, and His beyond-imagination plans if we start letting go of fear.  So what might “letting go” look like?

I didn’t want to write this post.

Honesty, friends:  I didn’t even want to write this post.  The thought to write about it came to me about a month ago after a mountaintop moment trusting God.  Woohoo!  God’s awesome!  I have to share!

I immediately posted on Instagram about the “unpredictable, terrifying, exhilarating, box-obliterated, liberated life of a Christian mom who dares to say to God, ‘Do everything you want with me.'”  I promised it was “coming to the blog soon.” (see the actual post here)

And then…nothing.  You know why?  Because the next day I blew it!  How could I write it now?  I mean, yes, I put it out there, but maybe “soon” could be next year.  How about that, God?  I’ll post when I get my act more together. 

But God kept nudging me about my Instagram post.  He even used the time I’ve spent dragging my feet to provide  more wisdom.   So in spite of my fear and agenda, here I am writing it and guess what? I’ve already felt the blessing knowing God will use it.

He wants to blow our minds

We could stop there, but let’s take it up one more notch. God loves us with an everlasting love, right? And carefully created us, right?  He’s a personal relationship-desiring God.  That makes us feel good.

But sometimes we forget the fact that HE IS GOD, so high above us in thoughts and purpose.  He is powerful,  holy, all-knowing.  God wants to blow our minds with how much He is God and we’re not!

When we lose sight of the simple fact that He is God, THAT is when we ask God to get out his clipboard and take notes from us. It’s hard to comprehend what He would do with us that could be better than we imagine.  We forget that the “blessings” we imagine are not the best blessings He has in store.

But check out these verses God has for us about blessing:

• “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.”  John 10:10
• “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”  Jeremiah 29:11
• “Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”” Luke 6:38

Doubt happens when I try to bring God down to my level or elevate myself to His level.  I box Him in to what I think He should be and the kind of blessings I think He should give.

Box obliterated!

But then He graciously brings my focus back to Him, the One truly in charge, the Lover of my soul.  He urges me to trust Him and the box I put Him in gets obliterated once more by His power, truth, and utter awesomeness.  I’m reminded of Isaiah who enters into the presence of the Lord and says, “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!” (Isaiah 6:5)

So, are you willing to let go, Christian mom?

Will you release the control you think you have and begin to trust Him?  Not compartments of it, but all of it?  Not just your job and marriage but your prodigal daughter and finances, too? Not just your strengths but your weaknesses?  Not 85-90%, but 100%?  Not just on Sunday at church but in everything that enters your life each day?

Do you see how the unpredictable, terrifying, exhilarating, box-obliterated, liberated life of a Christian mom who dares to says to God, “Do everything you want with me” is exactly what God wants you to experience?  I hope so!  And if you’re not there yet, but desire to get on the bus, pray for it!  Pray like the father in Mark 9:24, “I believe! Help my unbelief!”

It’s time you begin letting go and embrace the unimaginable.  Dare we say to God, “Do everything you want with me”?  Yes, we do.

What will you let go of today and put into God’s hands?  Comment below!