Confession: I was a graceless, joyless mom.
It didn’t start out that way.
In fact, if you had asked me, I’m pretty sure my intentions were good.
I wanted my kids to grow up to love the Lord. I wanted them to love him as much (and even more) than I did.
But I was so concerned about making sure I raised my kids right that I began with discipline…
Which turned into pretty strict discipline…
That soon moved to being easily irritated and exasperated…
That progressed (or more regressed) to being hard-nosed and hard-hearted.
And as my kids grew, and the struggles of keeping a clean home and working and “raising my kids right” accumulated, it happened. My life, as a Christian mom who loved the Lord passionately, was completely void of grace towards my kids. No grace. No joy.
I was a graceless, joyless mom.
I didn’t enjoy my kids very much. I was just there to make sure they did what I said and did it well and grew up to succeed. Really, as I reflect back, I genuinely loved my children, but the lack of grace kept them from truly feeling it.
I told myself it was about them honoring the Lord, but it wasn’t. It was about them making my life easier so my world could be all I wanted: a clean house, a peaceful & successful family, the happy life.
And thinking back, it was about my kids reflecting well on me.
I thought I was entitled to it. I worked for it, planned for it. I was owed it, at the very least, after all the hard work I poured in each day.
I was not gentle. I was inflexible, stiff-necked, and of the mentality, “Well, tough luck. That’s what happens and I hope you learned your lesson.” Even an “I’m sorry, Mom” was met with an “I forgive you”, suspended with a tone of “but I hope this doesn’t happen again.”
Oh, I was absolutely happy to have the grace of God for me.
I know I needed it in areas of my life. But in my parenting, I continued withholding grace from my kids…
Until the day I saw them treat each other that way. Their frustrated voices sounding like mine, their defensiveness over little things, the graceless replies.
“Why are they so grumpy and graceless and rotten with one another?” I’d wonder.
Meanwhile, I’d nag and leak joyless, graceless sighs in any situation that inconvenienced my comfort or control.
I found myself stifling a laugh so they’d take me seriously and snapping over the littlest things. I found my heart responding coldly to their struggles…the kind of emotional struggles that even adults (like myself) don’t even respond maturely to.
Life needed to be what I expected and my kids needed to be what I expected, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable.
I read verses about the God of hope filling me with “all joy” and the fruits of the Spirit. I knew about and received God’s grace for myself. So why, why was this life, with two precious treasures in front of me, just.so.joyless?
It hurts to even write this today, reflecting back on those joyless, graceless days.
But, in God’s grace, the time came when he opened my eyes.
This graceless, joyless mom was on the rough, turbulent road to creating graceless, joyless kids. In fact, they were already on it. And it was because of me. It was because of my sin.
I identified that my attitude was a problem, but up until then had just tried to be more “chipper” in my own strength and power. I believed the lie that other Christian moms never struggled with this. I kept it hidden in shame. Finally, I was done.
I remember the day, God pricked my heart about the fruits of the Spirit, and one fruit in particular: “gentleness”. Be gentle, Leah.
Am I even gentle? Have I ever been gentle? Maybe it’s not my personality.
Um, not a good excuse. The fruits of the Spirit are just that: FRUIT that you HAVE the SPIRIT. And since I claimed to have the Spirit, yet that fruit was missing, something was off with ME, not how God created me.
So there it was, that pesky fruit: gentleness.
God, I prayed. I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly been gentle in spirit. Will you make me gentle? Will you help me see my kids as you do? My rash words are like sword thrusts and we are all reaping those consequences. My entitlement is leaking everywhere. I can’t change by trying harder. This pride and gracelessness runs too deep. But your Spirit is more powerful than my sin. Pull it out by the roots. Change me. Have mercy.
I’m so, so thankful God is answering.
Since God’s convicted me of my gracelessness and has been faithful in working on me, I am discovering the gentler side of the Spirit in me.
He showed me that being gentle means taking your tone down, even in discipline. It’s caring, even when your way is disregarded. It’s softening your face and humbling yourself. It’s thoughtful because while harshness is a hasty reaction, gentleness is a timely, self-controlled response.
And as gentleness set in, grace was not far behind.
As opposed to harsh reactions that made my kids defend or react in return, tender gentleness put their guard down just enough for me to hear the true heart behind the struggle. I was actually listening for the first time. And when the guard was down, understanding and grace and love flowed much more freely. In those moments, we became two sinful humans, side-by-side in this life, instead of a mom who knew everything and a kid who knew nothing. And it felt GOOD, this grace.
And as grace set in, guess what has filled our home increasingly since? Joy.
Since repenting of my graceless, joyless method of parenting, I’ve been enjoying my kids so much more…not just as my kids, but as people. We laugh more, hug more, talk more, let down our guard more. We are all more free to just be us. And guess what: Mom isn’t constantly disappointed.
As parents, we can spend so much of our mental energy waiting for kids to meet expectations and getting disappointed. Meanwhile, we leave little energy for enjoying them in the season God has them.
It’s not to say that my husband and I don’t discipline our children.
God disciplines those he loves and we must, too. It’s just that our family expectations have changed. Our expectation now is that they will fight sometimes, they will sin, and they will fail. They won’t become everything we think they need to be everyday.
(Someone needs to read this today: it’s LOVING to expect children to still be learning to do this thing called “life”.)
But now when we discipline, we try to do it through the eyes of grace, as a fellow sinner. And because our home is a more joy-filled environment, we’re approaching them from a place of care and genuine concern as opposed to “you need to fall in line!” Even discipline can be a conduit of God’s grace and love and point to the power of the Gospel.
It’s not grace OR discipline. It’s grace IN discipline. We don’t do it perfectly, but we’re expecting God to help us with each moment we do.
After all, gently coming alongside our children in their struggles is a display of what the Holy Spirit does with us in ours. And parenting with joy shows your children that joy in the heart isn’t a conditions condition. It’s a heart condition. We can have joy no matter what circumstances enter our lives.
Christ is the basis of our joy, not our children meeting every expectation. What a relief to our children!
If you’re in a tough season of parenting, I understand.
It’s hard managing your own life, emotions, and expectations, especially when your default is hard-nosed, joyless mama like mine was.
But God’s grace is bigger than your default. The Holy Spirit in you is more powerful than your stubborn, prideful ways. That moment in your bathroom where you’re ready to lose it as soon as you open the door, you have a choice for what happens when you turn the door knob and look into their eyes.
You can encourage or knock down. You can embrace or reject. You can speak gently or harshly. You can tower over them or kneel down to their level. You can listen or ignore, reassure or intimidate. You can turn to your phone or turn to your Savior. You can bring life or you can bring death.
Friend, I exhort you to do what I did. Bring life. Repent.
Confess to your children and ask for their forgiveness. Turn away from the graceless, joyless mom you’ve been battling far too long and turn to your Savior for power to overcome her. Laugh a little with your kids. It’s a great start.
Today you can begin your journey to gracious, joyful motherhood. I believe you can because I’ve seen God do it in me. It’s not too late.
What are some verses you know that can encourage moms as they seek to be joyful and gracious? What are some small ways you enjoy your children? Comment below!
