Helpful, Inspiring, & Encouraging Blog Articles -- Matchless Beauty

It’s Okay. You Don’t Have to Be a Perfect Mom.

Made Matchless

July 26, 2016

“My day started like any other.”

Just a normal day. Got up early, brewed my coffee, opened God’s Word…until doubt crept into my heart from the enemy. Okay, it didn’t creep. It was a flat-on, smack-me-in-my-coffee-guzzling-mouth attack! “You’re failing.” Where did that come from? Good-bye, Perfect Mom of the Year Award! I’m a failure.

Consequently, what proceeded was the following: worry, doubt, crabbiness, a few untimely, unkind, snappy remarks, and some woe-is-me pity parties. Dismay from piled-up dishes? Check. General ungratefulness about my life? Done. In the checkout line at Costco I even snarked to my daughter “I don’t care!” and then spun the wheels in my mind to justify the words when she rightfully called me out on them.

But after an apology for the comment that afternoon, realizing I had let my poor attitude choices affect my whole day, the bedtime conversation with my daughter went like this:

Me: (Heavy sigh)”I’m sorry I’m not a perfect mom.”
Her: “It’s okay. You don’t have to be a perfect mom.”
Me: “And you don’t have to be a perfect daughter.”
Her: “I know, mom.”

Three of the simplest lessons about being the perfect mom:

From that short, less-than-a-minute, vulnerable moment with my daughter as she lay in bed, here are three of the simplest (yet, sometimes the hardest) lessons for a mom and daughter to learn, no matter their age:

I don’t need to be perfect.
I won’t expect you to be perfect.
We will love each other in our imperfection.

The sooner, the better.

Fellow moms, the sooner we begin teaching these simple truths to our daughters the better. She will carry these lessons past these small moments with you and into her current and adult relationships.

In addition, she will learn to set aside pride to be humble.

Furthermore, she will learn to put away condemnation to experience what grace truly is, not just in her head, but in real life.

And most importantly, she will know how to receive grace through her Savior Jesus Christ and extend it to others.

And, moms, let’s not forget: the sooner we truly embrace these messages for ourselves, the better.

Is it too late?

Friends, even if you think it might be too late for you, it’s not. You can start today by asking God to humble you and show you how to be a grace-filled mom. Ask Him for the words to say. Because I’ve struggled with this in the past, I’d like to share a verse with you. One of my favorite Proverbs that has served me so well in this area of asking for wisdom is Proverbs 2:1-5. I love that it encourages us to seek wisdom like a hidden treasure…

“1My son [daughter], if you receive my words
    and treasure up my commandments with you,
²making your ear attentive to wisdom
    and inclining your heart to understanding;
³yes, if you call out for insight
    and raise your voice for understanding,
⁴if you seek it like silver
    and search for it as for hidden treasures,
⁵then you will understand the fear of the Lord
    and find the knowledge of God.”

It's okay.You don't haveto be a Maybe you think it’s too late for your daughter. It’s not. Your graciousness towards her can melt hours, days, even years of bitterness and anger and put you both on the pathway to forgiveness.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Proverbs 16:24

But if nothing else…

But if nothing else, friends…if the words don’t come today or the opportunity is presented tomorrow, or you just need a bit of extra time to embrace God’s truth, I hope you go into this day embracing these wise words from my daughter for yourself: “It’s okay. You don’t have to be a perfect mom.”What kinds of blessing have you seen when you’ve humbled yourself before your daughter? And how can I pray for you? Comment below.

Your FellowMatchless Beauty,

Why I Stopped Telling Young Moms to “Cherish Every Moment”

Made Matchless

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July 21, 2016

by Ammie Silvestri

“Cherish every moment.”

Young moms: ever get some advice from someone who means well? As in, they think they are being helpful but, as they are speaking, you know that if they truly understood your circumstances they would never say it? It has recently come to my attention that I’ve been on both sides of that equation.

Scripture teaches us to “be quick to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). This summer, I experienced firsthand one reason why God may have said that.

It was two years ago when my daughter was a sophomore in high school that it hit me hard: she’s leaving for college in the not-too-distant future.

I knew I’d miss her terribly and was appalled at how fast time flies. So I endeavored to encourage every young mom I met to savor every moment with their precious little one. After all, those days will be gone before they know it. Then she would be a middle-aged mom like me sobbing in a crumpled heap in the corner because her baby girl was leaving home. (I may be exaggerating about being a crumpled heap, but there was definitely crying. And I’m for sure middle-aged. Yikes, when did that happen?!?)

Some Measure of Truth

Now, there is some measure of truth to what I said. But while I meant to be helpful, I hope you young moms will forgive me for saying it. Because fast forward two years to this summer. Now the moment of my daughter’s departure is “two weeks from Thursday”. I realize that I don’t wish that we could go back to when she was 2 or 6 or 10 or any other age than she is right now.

What I realize now is that the well-meaning encouragement to cherish every moment is always uttered by a mom not in that “now”. As a former young mom, I can recall feeling guilty about not savoring all those moments simply because I didn’t feel like they were all that precious at the time.

And now I see that guilt was misplaced. Psalm 139:3 reminds me that God is “acquainted with all my ways”. He already knew every moment I would take for granted and every mistake I would make with my daughter before she was even born – and He entrusted her to me anyway. And while there are for sure some things my daughter will say I missed the mark on, she’s never once named “failing to cherish every moment” as one of them!

Here’s the truth.

Why I stopped telling young moms to "cherish every moment" Wishing I had treasured those earlier days limits my capacity to revel where my daughter is today, where she’s going next. And if I am honest? I love the little girl she was and adore the young woman she has become. Notice I said “and”, not “but”. That’s because, ultimately, letting go of one stage isn’t merely a loss of what’s passed. It’s also an opportunity to embrace the present and what’s next.

For some of you, a toddler going to pre-school or a pre-schooler going to kindergarten is what’s next. On the bus. That you are not driving. Perhaps for the entire day. And it seems like life as you knew it is over. But that’s not what God says. God has plans for us and our daughters – plans “to give you a future and a hope.” (Jer.29:11)

So can I try it again, young moms?

If I am allowed to re-word what I originally said and if a young mom would permit me to speak it, here’s what I want to say:

There is beauty and baggage in every stage of life. You might miss the tiny baby staring adoringly at you as if you are her entire world; and by God’s grace, in that moment, you are.

In the same way, you might miss the girl who can’t wait to bust through the door and talk non-stop to you about her day at school.

And you might not cherish every moment being woken up every two hours by a crying baby or changing dirty diapers or going to every PTA meeting/sporting event/band concert/dance recital/open house or enforcing curfews.

Even the most mundane, every day, menial task in caring for a child can be an act of worship and is important. But it’s wrong for me to imply that all of the menial tasks will be missed when that child grows up. You will know which moments you cherish, and it is okay if it’s not every single one of them.

Rather than encouraging busy, overwhelmed, and exhausted young moms to “cherish every moment because you’re going to miss them and want them back”…

I think instead, I’d pray:

Lord God, you have given each of these young moms a high and holy calling. We praise you for that. At the same time we recognize that it is hard work. Would you give each mom here an extra measure of strength and patience and grace? Give each of them a hunger to be in your Word daily and to abide in your presence. We know that apart from you we can do nothing. But in Christ we can do everything that you call us to do.

Raise up godly women to support and encourage these young moms. Give them rest when they need it and endurance when circumstances demand it. Show them which moments are to be treasured because they are inherently wonderful. We know the moments are valuable simply because they are opportunities to depend on you, God. Be glorified in them all. In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.

Ammie Silvestri is a profoundly ordinary wife and mom. She loves counseling and encouraging women in their walk with our profoundly awesome God through the study and teaching of His Word.

5 Great Questions to Ask Stay-At-Home Moms (and What Not to Say)

Made Matchless

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July 6, 2016

I used to call us stay-at-home moms until I realized how funny that title is for us. After all, do any of us stay-at-home moms really STAY there? I mean, I get it. We don’t go to a workplace during the day or night. But I think the title also carries with it some ambiguity. Does she have a part-time internet job? Is her sole job raising the kids and keeping the house up? Does she work full-time from home? And with that ambiguity brings some natural curiosity from those who DO go to work during the day.

Over the past 9 years I’ve gotten questions about “what I do all day” from those curious people. I know they don’t mean any harm and I’m not easily offended. But its important to understand that just because a mom doesn’t leave home for a paid-at job, doesn’t mean she isn’t working hard. She’s just working differently. (In fact, I’d love to suggest that we move away from the job title stay-at-home moms to work-from-home moms. That’s the title I use for myself, but maybe that’s a post for a future date. I’ll use the terms interchangeably in this article).

Maybe you’re a person who IS genuinely curious about what a certain stay-at-home mom’s life looks like. Maybe you’d like to create conversation with a friend that shows you value what she does. Or maybe you’re a husband hoping to connect better with the stay-at-home mother of your children. Here are 5 great questions you can ask a stay-at-home mom that helps her feel encouraged, supported, and valued.

5 Great Questions You Can Ask a Stay-at-Home Mom

Question 1: “So, what did your day look like today?” (Instead of “So, what do you do all day?”)

This question is great for two reasons: (1) If she’s been home with the kids all day, it can feel so good to just share her day with another adult and be listened to compassionately.

And (2) because life can be so different from day to day, there is no “typical” day for a stay-at-home mom. You asking what it looked like “today” shows you understand that.

On the flip side, “What do you do all day?” can be interpreted, “I can’t possibly imagine what would keep you busy all day”. It could also make her feel inadequate if she has trouble articulating the tasks she accomplished that day (wiping poopy bottoms isn’t high on society’s list of accomplishments). Instead, bless her by simply asking about her day. Whether she has a lot or a little to say, listen and love her.

Question 2: “What’s the most rewarding part about working from home?” (Instead of “I couldn’t do what you do–my kids drive me crazy.”)

You know why I love this question? Because it helps stay-at-home moms who lead busy, stressful jobs raising children, running households, and possibly running businesses from home focus on what they enjoy about it. It reminds a mom of the big picture.

What’s popular on the internet today are mom articles that bash our kids, complain about how needy they are, and joke about how normal moms need wine at 9 a.m. As moms, we can fall into the “misery loves company” trap, so if you can do your part to encourage us with this question, please do! (By the way, we don’t have super powers to be able to handle our jobs the way we do. Our kids drive us crazy at times, too. We’ll talk about that if we need to, but encouraging us to think of the good, I believe, is better than encouraging us to complain.)

Question 3: “What kinds of interests do you have?” (Instead of “Do you ever get out of the house?”)

One thing I struggled with early on as a stay-at-home mom was the sense I was losing my womanhood and individuality. I was called “mom” all the time. I carried out mom duties every day & night. And to be honest, sometimes I’d hide when I heard “Mooooommm!” from the other room. It was my job, role, 24/7. And I was blessed by it for sure, but in those days, there was little time (if any) left for me to feel like Leah.

But, hey! It certainly didn’t mean I had no interests! Though time in my interests was scarce, the interests were still there, tucked away. Asking a stay-at-home mom what her interests are reminds her she is still a woman, an individual, uniquely created with dreams, desires, interests, and beliefs. Help draw those out of her once again, even if for just a short while!

Question 4: “Will you continue to work from home when your kids are older?” (Instead of “So, when are you going back to work?”)

The reality is, there are actually moms who continue to stay/work from home even when their kids are school-aged. That’s okay and actually quite wonderful and rewarding! Some take on work-from-home jobs. Some decide to be homemakers, volunteers, classroom moms, and fulfill other important jobs without leaving the home for employment. Some of us homeschool our kids (like I do). Some will get a job when their kids go to school.

Whatever her response is, encourage her! Moms who choose to work hard from home appreciate being valued as equally as those who join the workforce. Remember, not being paid for our work inside the home isn’t something we complain about, but it can be a challenge thinking our work isn’t as valued in the eyes of the world because of it. Your supportive listening and words help us and our families! (For an interesting article on the hypothetical salary of a mom, check out this article).

Question 5: What can I do to support you? How can I pray for you/help you this week? (Instead of “Is there anything I can do?”) Then DO IT!

If other work-from-home moms are anything like me, it can be hard to ask for help. Even with social media, play dates, and other ways to connect, we can still feel isolated and alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “burden” other people with our problems or hear “no” so we don’t ask for someone to do us even a small favor. There are times I don’t even ask because I don’t want someone to feel badly when they have to say “no”. Sounds silly, but true.

So, friend, don’t ask “Is there anything I can do to help?” because she will probably say “no”. Chances are, she thinks you’re just being polite. However, when you ask WHAT you can do to support her, HOW you can pray for her, or HOW you can help her, she’s a lot more likely to be specific. Knowing that you care enough to help and pray for her makes her more comfortable to open up about her genuine needs instead of going it alone.

And…

Once you’ve asked, don’t leave her hanging–Follow through! Stay-at-home moms live long days of multitasking, cleaning, answering questions, teaching, disciplining, and repeating. Someone picking up a gallon of milk for a mom home with 2 sick kids is pretty much a love language in itself. If enough people would ask and genuinely be willing to step up and support, pray, and help her, she’d experience the love, value, and respect she frequently lacks from the world. How wonderfully you could bless her!

You can make a difference.

In conclusion, I don’t know if changing our title from stay-at-home moms to work-from-home moms will make much of a difference to the world. But when you ask stay-at-home moms questions that support and encourage them, they feel that their work is valuable and that they are cared for. And chances are, if you’ve asked a stay-at-home mom these questions and compassionately listened, you’ve probably just made her day and given her the boost of confidence she needs to head into the next, poopy diapers and all.

As a stay-at-home mom, what other questions would you love being asked? Comment below!